They say that boys, in general, don't think before they act. They do not think about what could happen if they dive off the top of their bunk bed or fly down a hill on a bike without brakes. The opposite is said of girls. They think through everything that could happen before they do something and this is why we have fewer female daredevils. I do not fit this generality. I honestly do not live a life of fear. I am not afraid of what tomorrow holds. I am not afraid of spiders, flying, driving or heights. In fact, I would really have a hard time coming up with a list of things I am afraid of.
Through evaluating my life, praying, talking to my husband and hearing from my pastor, I have found that I do have one fear. A fear so great that is has held me back for the last 4 years from being who I want to be. It is debilitating. I fear success. Yep. You heard me right. Success. This fear is rooted in the fact that at one time, we owned a house, 2 nice vehicles, a brand new travel trailer, I had lost 145 pounds and was maintaining that weight loss after having a baby, Mike was in college and working in a job he loved, we had 3 amazing kids, I was in charge of the women's ministries at our church and Mike and I were the youth leaders at our church. In a few short months, most of that was gone and I had no control. We filed for bankruptcy, sold our house just so we would not have to foreclose, moved to a small apartment, had one of our trucks and our trailer repossessed, our oldest son left for the Marines and due to medication I was put on, I gained all my weight back. On top of that, the ministries we headed up at our church ceased to exist due to people leaving the church. The fact is, I had never been taught to push myself or strive for any kind of success in my life. I just did it one day, with the help of God and my husband. Then it was gone.
I have pushed myself at different times in the last four years to be where I want to be and where I know God wants to take me, I have some success and then I get scared. It's not a conscious thought. It is just there. I am afraid to push myself to lose weight and then gain it back again. I do not think I could handle that. I am afraid to really reach out to people and build a ministry to just have it all taken away again. Well, it all stops here. Not that the fear is gone, but I am tired of allowing it to run my life. I am going to face this fear head on and conquer it. The fact is, I have not failed if I have not given up. And I have not given up. I am a fighter. Tomorrow will be day one in one of my steps to success. I hope you will come back and read all about it.
1 comment:
I'll definitely be back to read more. I know that sometimes I sabotage myself, because I don't feel like I deserve success. I don't know it that's exactly what you're going through, but somewhere in the same realm. We're all a work in progress. :-)
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