They say that boys, in general, don't think before they act. They do not think about what could happen if they dive off the top of their bunk bed or fly down a hill on a bike without brakes. The opposite is said of girls. They think through everything that could happen before they do something and this is why we have fewer female daredevils. I do not fit this generality. I honestly do not live a life of fear. I am not afraid of what tomorrow holds. I am not afraid of spiders, flying, driving or heights. In fact, I would really have a hard time coming up with a list of things I am afraid of.
Through evaluating my life, praying, talking to my husband and hearing from my pastor, I have found that I do have one fear. A fear so great that is has held me back for the last 4 years from being who I want to be. It is debilitating. I fear success. Yep. You heard me right. Success. This fear is rooted in the fact that at one time, we owned a house, 2 nice vehicles, a brand new travel trailer, I had lost 145 pounds and was maintaining that weight loss after having a baby, Mike was in college and working in a job he loved, we had 3 amazing kids, I was in charge of the women's ministries at our church and Mike and I were the youth leaders at our church. In a few short months, most of that was gone and I had no control. We filed for bankruptcy, sold our house just so we would not have to foreclose, moved to a small apartment, had one of our trucks and our trailer repossessed, our oldest son left for the Marines and due to medication I was put on, I gained all my weight back. On top of that, the ministries we headed up at our church ceased to exist due to people leaving the church. The fact is, I had never been taught to push myself or strive for any kind of success in my life. I just did it one day, with the help of God and my husband. Then it was gone.
I have pushed myself at different times in the last four years to be where I want to be and where I know God wants to take me, I have some success and then I get scared. It's not a conscious thought. It is just there. I am afraid to push myself to lose weight and then gain it back again. I do not think I could handle that. I am afraid to really reach out to people and build a ministry to just have it all taken away again. Well, it all stops here. Not that the fear is gone, but I am tired of allowing it to run my life. I am going to face this fear head on and conquer it. The fact is, I have not failed if I have not given up. And I have not given up. I am a fighter. Tomorrow will be day one in one of my steps to success. I hope you will come back and read all about it.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
What is Your Why?
I had an epiphany the other day. I was getting ready to head off to Boot-Camp and needed to eat breakfast. As I decided what I would eat, I thought about what I needed to fuel my body for the intense workout I was about to do. I did not think, "what sounds good?" or "what am I in the mood for?" I've got this! I finally have a healthy relationship with food and it happened without me working at it. I did not have to do anything special. I just had to give it time. I changed my eating, started working out with some amazing women and threw away my scale. That's it. Pretty simple. I did not start out that way though. It has been an incredibly difficult emotional journey for me.
I shared in my first post about how I got to where I am as far as my weight goes. I have known all along where I needed to be mentally and emotionally and I have tried a million different things to get myself there. When my husband was diagnosed with Diabetes, I felt so much guilt as the one who prepares all of our meals and does the grocery shopping. I decided I would change so he could be healthy. I told myself I needed to change to be a better example for my children. In August, 2010, I went back to Boot-Camp and shortly after that, my son announced his engagement. I was now going to push myself so that I would not be an embarrassment to myself or my family when we went to the wedding. This is a short list of the things I went through mentally to motivate myself.
So, what was my epiphany? This is not about them. I love my family dearly and would do anything for them. I would give my life for them. But my health and fitness is not about Mike. He is responsible for his own health and what he puts in his body. I am not a bad example to my children just because I am not at my ideal weight. I do all the things a mom is supposed to do for her children and so much more. I live a life that glorifies God and that is a great example to Ben, Katherine and Ricky. While it may have been more comfortable to ride in the sardine can they call an airplane had I been at my goal weight, I did not have to be thin for my son to want me at his wedding. We went and we had a blast in spite of my weight.
So, why am I losing weight? Why am I working toward becoming a personal trainer so I can help others with this journey? Because I want to. That is it. I like being active and not carrying an extra person in the form of fat around with me makes that a whole lot easier. I love fashion and how I feel in clothes when they fit right. I like how eating a healthy diet free from counting calories and measuring my food gives me an amazing amount of energy I have never known before. Not even when I was a size 8 and in my 20's!! For once in my life, I realized it is okay to do something for me. I am worth it. I was worth Jesus coming to Earth and dieing on the cross. I have value as a person. I am worth all the time and energy it takes to do this.
Why are you doing the things you are doing in your life?
I shared in my first post about how I got to where I am as far as my weight goes. I have known all along where I needed to be mentally and emotionally and I have tried a million different things to get myself there. When my husband was diagnosed with Diabetes, I felt so much guilt as the one who prepares all of our meals and does the grocery shopping. I decided I would change so he could be healthy. I told myself I needed to change to be a better example for my children. In August, 2010, I went back to Boot-Camp and shortly after that, my son announced his engagement. I was now going to push myself so that I would not be an embarrassment to myself or my family when we went to the wedding. This is a short list of the things I went through mentally to motivate myself.
So, what was my epiphany? This is not about them. I love my family dearly and would do anything for them. I would give my life for them. But my health and fitness is not about Mike. He is responsible for his own health and what he puts in his body. I am not a bad example to my children just because I am not at my ideal weight. I do all the things a mom is supposed to do for her children and so much more. I live a life that glorifies God and that is a great example to Ben, Katherine and Ricky. While it may have been more comfortable to ride in the sardine can they call an airplane had I been at my goal weight, I did not have to be thin for my son to want me at his wedding. We went and we had a blast in spite of my weight.
So, why am I losing weight? Why am I working toward becoming a personal trainer so I can help others with this journey? Because I want to. That is it. I like being active and not carrying an extra person in the form of fat around with me makes that a whole lot easier. I love fashion and how I feel in clothes when they fit right. I like how eating a healthy diet free from counting calories and measuring my food gives me an amazing amount of energy I have never known before. Not even when I was a size 8 and in my 20's!! For once in my life, I realized it is okay to do something for me. I am worth it. I was worth Jesus coming to Earth and dieing on the cross. I have value as a person. I am worth all the time and energy it takes to do this.
Why are you doing the things you are doing in your life?
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Yes You CAN!
There is a phrase that I despise! My children are not ever allowed to say it and I cringe whenever I hear it used in just about any form. I can't. Do you have any idea how powerful the things we think and say are? It is what we say and think that forms who we are and affects all that we do in this life. My children are allowed to ask for help. They are allowed to say something is hard. They are even allowed to say they just do not want to do something. The one thing they are never, ever allowed to say is, "I can't."
"I can't" suggests defeat. It suggests that you are not capable. It weakens you.
When I hate to hear this phrase the most is in the land of health and fitness. I hear people say they cannot do a given exercise all the time. When they say that, I know they will never be able to accomplish it. They have already set up in their minds that it is not possible and now their body will never get there. When I first started at Boot-Camp Diva, I was not strong enough to do even one push-up. Yesterday, I did 100 push-ups. If I had told myself that I could not do it on day one, I never would have gotten there. To say, "I am not there yet or My body is just not strong enough." is one thing. Saying, "I can't" is a whole other story. How many times have you offered someone something to eat and they say, "I can't have that. I am on a diet."? Even my fellow Divas whom I love dearly say this. What's the big deal? Well, when we think or say we cannot have something to eat, it leads to a thought pattern of deprivation. A healthy eating plan now becomes a punishment for being fat. I think more people would be living healthy, fit lives if they stopped saying, "I can't" and instead, had the attitude that it is a choice. When someone offers me bread or pasta, I just offer up a "no thank-you." Because I CAN have it, but I am CHOOSING not to. When I go into a workout that is more challenging than my body can handle right now, I do not think about how I can't do this. I think ahead, with excitement, to the day I will be doing that very workout and asking for more.
So, what are you going to choose today? Are you going to choose to make healthy food choices and push your body to do what it can or are you going to sit back and keep telling yourself you can't do it. When in reality, you are choosing to not do what you need to do to live a full, healthy life.
"I can't" suggests defeat. It suggests that you are not capable. It weakens you.
When I hate to hear this phrase the most is in the land of health and fitness. I hear people say they cannot do a given exercise all the time. When they say that, I know they will never be able to accomplish it. They have already set up in their minds that it is not possible and now their body will never get there. When I first started at Boot-Camp Diva, I was not strong enough to do even one push-up. Yesterday, I did 100 push-ups. If I had told myself that I could not do it on day one, I never would have gotten there. To say, "I am not there yet or My body is just not strong enough." is one thing. Saying, "I can't" is a whole other story. How many times have you offered someone something to eat and they say, "I can't have that. I am on a diet."? Even my fellow Divas whom I love dearly say this. What's the big deal? Well, when we think or say we cannot have something to eat, it leads to a thought pattern of deprivation. A healthy eating plan now becomes a punishment for being fat. I think more people would be living healthy, fit lives if they stopped saying, "I can't" and instead, had the attitude that it is a choice. When someone offers me bread or pasta, I just offer up a "no thank-you." Because I CAN have it, but I am CHOOSING not to. When I go into a workout that is more challenging than my body can handle right now, I do not think about how I can't do this. I think ahead, with excitement, to the day I will be doing that very workout and asking for more.
So, what are you going to choose today? Are you going to choose to make healthy food choices and push your body to do what it can or are you going to sit back and keep telling yourself you can't do it. When in reality, you are choosing to not do what you need to do to live a full, healthy life.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
My Step Toward Freedom
On Friday, April 15, 2011, I took a step toward freedom. I parted with a friend/enemy that has controlled me for far too many years. On "good" days it brought me joy, laughter and love. On "bad" days it brought tears, anger and frustration. Who was this horrible creature? My scale. That's right, my scale. I threw it away. I did not give it to someone else nor did I sell it. I threw it into the depths of my big green trash can. Why? Because I realized that I had been allowing to define myself and my success for far too long. As Katherine and I were watching an episode of The Biggest Loser, I was explaining to her the importance of what these people were doing. They were taking their lives back. Getting stronger both mentally and physically. This was not about looking better, but about them making healthier choices. As we were talking, I was telling her something I have always told her. Skinny does not equal healthy. I have known countless people who are thin and yet they are the most out of shape, unhealthy people I know. Later that night, a little light bulb went off above my head. I had to ask myself a question. Why was I striving to make that scale tell me a certain number before I would believe that I had made progress over the last few months of eating better and working out? Why was I letting that scale tell me what my mood would be for the day? Why was I allowing that scale to tell me if I looked good in my jeans today? The truth is, that number on the scale means NOTHING! Your muscle tone, your energy levels, your ability to walk up stairs or across the parking lot to your car, your inches around your mid-section, those are things that means something!! Your happiness with your quality of life, that means something! Not a number that fluctuates, in women especially, anywhere from 1-8 pounds a day.
The fact is, eating the way I eat right now and doing the activities I do right now, I feel better and stronger than I did when I weighed 165 pounds at 6' tall and wore a size 8. That says something! The day I threw my scale away, I felt a sense of freedom. It became easier for me to focus on living the life I want to live and not just be focused on what I weigh. I truly believe it is time we all stop giving the scale so much power in our lives. Throw it away!
The fact is, eating the way I eat right now and doing the activities I do right now, I feel better and stronger than I did when I weighed 165 pounds at 6' tall and wore a size 8. That says something! The day I threw my scale away, I felt a sense of freedom. It became easier for me to focus on living the life I want to live and not just be focused on what I weigh. I truly believe it is time we all stop giving the scale so much power in our lives. Throw it away!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Emotions....Good or Bad?
I happen to be a very emotional person. Not in a bad way. I do not blow up at every little thing, I am not a yeller, I do not cry at the drop of a hat. But, I do wear my heart on my sleeve, I do feel other people's pain and I do have a bad habit of allowing my feelings to control me. Emotions are God-given. It is not bad to have them and it is not bad to acknowledge them and allow yourself to really feel them. However, it is bad to base decisions on how you feel at the moment. There has to be balance to dealing with our emotions.
For the longest time I was told I was too sensitive. I also experienced what it is like to live with people who do not handle anger well, to put it nicely. Through this, I learned to stuff my emotions deep inside and pretend they were not there. I thought it was bad to feel the things I felt. After being married to Mike for a few years, maturing as a person and in my walk with God and having children, I learned it was okay to really feel. To acknowledge what was there. What freedom!! The problem? I have gone too far the other way. If I do not "feel" like making dinner, we go out. If I do not "feel" like working out, I skip bootcamp. If I do not "feel" like going to bed, I stay up way to late even though I know this will lead to me not "feeling" like getting up in the morning. This affects my whole life and the lives of my husband and children. NO MORE! Right now, I am getting over some strange virus I have had for the last week and I do not feel like doing anything, including writing this blog. I am going to go do my laundry, get dinner in the crock pot and go to bootcamp. This is the only way I will be successful in my weight loss journey. I cannot wait until I feel like doing it or it will never happen. What do you need to do right now?
For the longest time I was told I was too sensitive. I also experienced what it is like to live with people who do not handle anger well, to put it nicely. Through this, I learned to stuff my emotions deep inside and pretend they were not there. I thought it was bad to feel the things I felt. After being married to Mike for a few years, maturing as a person and in my walk with God and having children, I learned it was okay to really feel. To acknowledge what was there. What freedom!! The problem? I have gone too far the other way. If I do not "feel" like making dinner, we go out. If I do not "feel" like working out, I skip bootcamp. If I do not "feel" like going to bed, I stay up way to late even though I know this will lead to me not "feeling" like getting up in the morning. This affects my whole life and the lives of my husband and children. NO MORE! Right now, I am getting over some strange virus I have had for the last week and I do not feel like doing anything, including writing this blog. I am going to go do my laundry, get dinner in the crock pot and go to bootcamp. This is the only way I will be successful in my weight loss journey. I cannot wait until I feel like doing it or it will never happen. What do you need to do right now?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
About Me - Part 2
After reaching my goal weight and maintaining it for some time, I found out I was pregnant again. I was in a much better place this time and I ate nothing but the best foods for me and my growing baby. After Ricky was born, I was back at my goal weight within 3 months and working for Weight Watchers. I started as a receptionist and was training to be a leader. Then everything went downhill. I had horrible post part partum depression and was put on an anti-depressant. The initial one worked fine for me and I did not have any side-effects. Around the time Ricky was 12 months old, we sold our house to keep it from being foreclosed on, moved to a tiny apartment, had to get rid of one of our dogs, filed for bankruptcy and Ricky ended up in the hospital with pneumonia, near death. My doctor changed my prescription. This one was horrible. I felt completely out of control and ended up quitting my job with WW. I just could not handle how I was feeling and everything else. To top it off, one of the major side-effects of this medication was weight gain. Within 6 weeks time, I put 75 pounds back on! I immediately asked my doctor to take me off of that one, but the damage was done. I was discouraged that I gave up and over the next year put all of my weight back on, plus some. I was too embarrassed to go back to WW. So, I tried Jenny Craig and many other diets. Nothing helped. I fell on my knees before God and begged Him to help me. He started showing me things that needed to change in my heart and in my attitude toward myself and food. It has been a long hard journey, and I am not even done. I am on the right path now. In future blogs I will share tips on losing weight, getting your head in the right place and about the work God is doing in my life.
Monday, February 7, 2011
About Me - Part 1
Here we go. My first blog post. My plan is to blog about my weight loss journey and in the process, give advice and encouragement to those of you out there trying to lose weight or just trying to be healthier. First, I want to give some background about me.
As a child, I was tall, skinny and active. When I was in the fifth grade, I put on a little weight. Looking back at pictures, I see that I was in no way overweight. I also now know that what little 'pudge' I put on was for a major growth spurt I was about to go through. I was about 5'6" in the fifth grade and by the end of my sixth grade year, I was at the height I am now. About 1/4" shy of six feet. My mom, who loves me very much and was trying to do what she thought was right for me, put me on a diet. She had a weight problem when she was 12 and she was worried I would have the same problem. So, while my older brother could eat cookies, candy and whatever else he wanted, I was told 'no' to just about anything. This really messes with a young girl. At the same time, I had a dad who showed love through food and took us out for fast food and bought milkshakes and candy all the time. Talk about confusing. I was told I was fat when I was not and I had one parent using food to love me and the other one telling me I could not have it. In my mind, with-holding love.
I share all of this to give my background. Not to place blame. I am not angry with my parents and forgave them a long time ago. Part of me wishes things had been different, but the rest of me knows that it is the good and the bad in life that form who we are.
All of this confusion about food, love, body image, along with many other things that happened to me throughout junior high and high school, caused me to put more and more weight on. My mom continued to put me on diet after diet. There was the old Weight Watchers, which looked nothing like the amazing program they have today, the cabbage diet and anything else she tried. Nothing helped. By the end of high school, I was a size 24. I am not sure what my weight was. I really thought I was destined to be this size forever. I really thought that I knew how to eat healthy and I was very active. I have always liked to workout. It was not until I was 24 and married to Mike that I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I weighed in at 299.8. I was heartbroken. I was fully committed and in 6 weeks, I lost 30 pounds. Then, I found out I was pregnant with Katherine. Needless to say, I went back to my old ways. It had not been long enough for the smaller portions and healthier foods to really become a part of my lifestyle. Thankfully, when all was said and done, I only put on 8 pounds of fat. The rest of my weight I put on during pregnancy was water and baby. Ten months after Katherine was born, I went back to Weight Watchers and over the next few years lost 145 pounds! I swore I would never go back to where I had been. If only I knew what was coming. I will go into that next.
As a child, I was tall, skinny and active. When I was in the fifth grade, I put on a little weight. Looking back at pictures, I see that I was in no way overweight. I also now know that what little 'pudge' I put on was for a major growth spurt I was about to go through. I was about 5'6" in the fifth grade and by the end of my sixth grade year, I was at the height I am now. About 1/4" shy of six feet. My mom, who loves me very much and was trying to do what she thought was right for me, put me on a diet. She had a weight problem when she was 12 and she was worried I would have the same problem. So, while my older brother could eat cookies, candy and whatever else he wanted, I was told 'no' to just about anything. This really messes with a young girl. At the same time, I had a dad who showed love through food and took us out for fast food and bought milkshakes and candy all the time. Talk about confusing. I was told I was fat when I was not and I had one parent using food to love me and the other one telling me I could not have it. In my mind, with-holding love.
I share all of this to give my background. Not to place blame. I am not angry with my parents and forgave them a long time ago. Part of me wishes things had been different, but the rest of me knows that it is the good and the bad in life that form who we are.
All of this confusion about food, love, body image, along with many other things that happened to me throughout junior high and high school, caused me to put more and more weight on. My mom continued to put me on diet after diet. There was the old Weight Watchers, which looked nothing like the amazing program they have today, the cabbage diet and anything else she tried. Nothing helped. By the end of high school, I was a size 24. I am not sure what my weight was. I really thought I was destined to be this size forever. I really thought that I knew how to eat healthy and I was very active. I have always liked to workout. It was not until I was 24 and married to Mike that I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I weighed in at 299.8. I was heartbroken. I was fully committed and in 6 weeks, I lost 30 pounds. Then, I found out I was pregnant with Katherine. Needless to say, I went back to my old ways. It had not been long enough for the smaller portions and healthier foods to really become a part of my lifestyle. Thankfully, when all was said and done, I only put on 8 pounds of fat. The rest of my weight I put on during pregnancy was water and baby. Ten months after Katherine was born, I went back to Weight Watchers and over the next few years lost 145 pounds! I swore I would never go back to where I had been. If only I knew what was coming. I will go into that next.
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